THE MOON OR MANILA?

 

Ma faisen si Juan gi eskuela, "Kao hihot-ña i pilan kontra Guam pat hihot-ña Manila?"

(Juan was asked in school, "Is the moon closer to Guam or is Manila closer?")

Ilek-ña si Juan, "I pilan."

(Juan said, "The moon.")

Ilek-ña i ma'estra, "Bai faisen hao ta'lo."

(The teacher said, "I will ask you again.")

Pues ilek-ña si Juan, "Ya pareho ha' bai oppe hao."

(Then Juan said, "And I'll tell you the same thing.")

Mamaisen i ma'estra, "Kao hihot-ña i pilan pat Manila?"

(The teacher asked, "Is the moon closer or Manila?")

Manoppe si Juan, "Esta hu sangåne hao na hihot-ña i pilan."

(Juan replied, "I already told you that the moon is closer.")

Mamaisen i ma'estra, "Håfa taimano?"

(The teacher asked, "How is that?")

Manoppe si Juan, "Gaige yo' Guam ya hu lili'e' ha' i pilan lao ti hu lili'e' Manila."

(Juan replied, "I'm on Guam and I can see the moon but I can't see Manila.")

WHEN GRANDMA BROKE QUARANTINE

 

A man got caught breaking quarantine when the girlfriend's slippers were seen inside the boyfriend's hotel room. She wasn't allowed to visit him, and she hid when staff came into the room, but the female slippers on the floor blew her cover.

It reminded me of our custom of leaving our shoes and slippers outside the front door.

And how our old ladies wore very distinctive velvet and beaded slippers.

So here's an antigo (old) version of the quarantine story above.

Junior brought his wife and newborn baby girl to Guam for Christmas. Naturally they had to quarantine at a government-designated hotel, with no visitors allowed.

But it was Tan María's first grandchild. How could she resist? It was out of the question the old lady would have to wait 7 to 14 days to see her first grandchild.

So she snuck into the hotel bedroom.

Except that the security guard passed the room and saw these red velvet, colorfully beaded slippers outside the door.

Knock, knock.

Yes?  (without opening the door)

Do you have a visitor?

No, of course not!

Whose slippers are these?

"Mine," says Junior's young wife.

The guard asks : "Do you have a mestiza dress to match?"

Caught by slippers. Old and new version of the story.

If grandma hadn't left her slippers outside, she could've gotten away with it.

VERSIÓN ESPAÑOLA

(traducida por Manuel Rodríguez)

CUANDO LA ABUELA INCUMPLIÓ LA CUARENTENA

Un hombre fue cazado incumpliendo la cuarentena cuando las zapatillas de su novia fueron descubiertas dentro de la habitación del hotel en el que se encontraba. No se le permitían visitas y además ella se escondió cuando el personal entró en la habitación, pero las pantuflas semiocultas bajo la manta, lo delataron.

Me recordó nuestra costumbre de dejar los zapatos y zapatillas fuera de la puerta principal de casa.

Y también como nuestras ancianas usaban pantuflas bordadas de terciopelo muy distintivas.

Así que a continuación tenemos una versión antigua de la historia anterior.

Junior llevó a su esposa y a su bebé recién nacido a Guam por Navidad. Naturalmente, tuvieron que ponerse en cuarentena en un hotel designado por el gobierno, sin que se les permitieran visitas.

Pero era el primer nieto de Tan María. ¿Cómo podría ella resistirse? Era imposible que la anciana tuviera que esperar de 7 a 14 días para ver a su primer nieto.

Así que se coló en la habitación del hotel.

Sin embargo, el guardia de seguridad pasó por la habitación y vio estas zapatillas de terciopelo rojo con bordados de colores fuera de la puerta.

TOC Toc.

¿Sí? (sin abrir la puerta)

¿Tiene una visita?

¡No, claro que no!

¿De quién son estas zapatillas?

"Mías", respondió la joven esposa de Junior.

El guardia insistió: "¿Tiene un vestido de mestiza a juego?"

Cazados por unas zapatillas. Versión antigua y nueva de la historia.

HE DIDN'T SHAMPOO

Todo i tiempo, si María humåhånao para i tenda para u fåhan i nengkanno' yan i kosas siha ni ma nesesita gi gima'.

(María always went to the store to buy the food and things needed for the house.)

Mamåhan si María nuebo na shampoo para i båño ya ha po'lo gi sagan habbon yan shampoo gi papa' i grifo.

(María bought new shampoo for the bathroom and put it on the soap and shampoo caddy under the shower head.)

Annai monhåyan umo'mak i asaguå-ña as Juan, mamaisen si María, "Asaguå-ho, kao un chagi i nuebo na shampoo ni hu fåhan? Kao ya-mo?"

(When her husband Juan was done showering, María asked, "My husband, did you try the new shampoo I bought? Did you like it?")

Manoppe si Juan, "Åhe' adei ti hu chagi sa' ilek-ña i boteya : For Dry Hair, ya esta hu na' fotgon."

(Juan answered, "No, I didn't try it because the bottle said : For Dry Hair, and I already wet it.")

(traducida por Manuel Rodríguez)

VERSIÓN ESPAÑOLA

(traducida por Manuel Rodríguez)

ÉL NO USÓ EL CHAMPÚ

Todo i tiempo, si María humåhånao para i tenda para u fåhan i nengkanno 'yan i kosas siha ni ma nesesita gi gima'.

(María siempre iba a la tienda a comprar la comida y las cosas necesarias para la casa).

Mamåhan si María nuebo na shampoo para i båño ya ha po'lo gi sagan habbon yan shampoo gi papa' i grifo.

(María compró champú nuevo para el baño y lo puso en la jabonera debajo del grifo).

 

Annai monhåyan umo'mak i asaguå-ña as Juan, mamaisen si María, "Asaguå-ho, kao un chagi i nuebo na shampoo ni hu fåhan? Kao ya-mo?"

(Cuando su esposo Juan terminó de ducharse, María preguntó: "Esposo, ¿probaste el nuevo champú que compré? ¿Te gustó?")

Manoppe si Juan, "Åhe' adei ti hu chagi sa' ilek-ña i boteya: For Dry Hair, ya esta hu na' fotgon".

(Juan respondió: "No, no lo probé porque la botella decía: Para Cabello Seco, y ya lo mojé").

 

SI PÅLE' HA BENDISE I KABÅYO

Gi kareran kabåyo, ha li'e' si José na si Påle' ha bendise si kabåyo numero dos, 

(At the horse race, José saw that Father blessed horse number two,)

pues ha aposta si José salape'-ña gi ayo na kabåyo ya magåhet na mangånna!

(so José bet his money on that horse and truly he won!)

Pues ha li'e' si Påle' na ha bendise kabåyo numero sais. 

(Then he saw that Father blessed horse number six.)

Ha aposta salape'-ña gi kabåyo numero sais ya mangånna ta'lo!

(He bet his money on horse number six and won again!)

Ha li'e' si Påle' na ha bendise kabåyo numero tres. 

(He saw that Father blessed horse number three.)

Ha aposta todo i ginanå-ña na salåppe' gi kabåyo numero tres 

(He best all his winnings on horse number three)

lao ai sa' guiya na kabåyo i uttimo gi karera!

(but oh that horse came in last in the race!)

Lalålo' si José pues ha faisen si Påle', "Håfa na un bendise i kabåyo numero tres 

(José was angry so he asked Father, "Why did you bless horse number three)

lao guiya uttimo gi karera!"

(but he was last in the race!")

"Lahi-ho," ilek-ña si Påle'. "Ti hu bendise ayo na kabåyo na hu Såntos Oleos!"

("My son," Father said. "I didn't bless that horse; I gave it the Last Rites!")

* Såntos Oleos literally means the "Holy Oils" and it is used in the Last Rites to spiritually prepare a person for death. Of course, it's just a joke. Priests do not give animals the Last Rites.

I TRES PATÅS-ÑA NA MÅNNOK

Humånao un maestron UOG para un låncho sa' ha hungok

(A UOG teacher went to a ranch because he heard) 

na guaha lanchero ni mamomoksai meggai na månnok ni tres påtas-ñiha. 

(that there was a rancher who was raising many three-legged chickens.)

Ha faisen i lanchero, "Håfa na tres påtas-ñiha i ga'-mo månnok siha?" 

(He asked the rancher, "Why do your chickens have three feet?")

Manoppe i lanchero, "Ke sa' ya-ho chumocho påtas månnok, i asaguå-ho ya-ña lokkue' 

(The rancher answered, "Well I like to eat chicken feet, my wife also likes)

chumocho påtas månnok yan kontodo i lahen-måme ya-ña chumocho påtas månnok. 

(to eat chicken feet and our son as well likes to eat chicken feet.)

Pues hu eyak håfa taimano siña ma tulaika i iyon-ñiha DNA 

(So I learned how to change their DNA)

kosa ke u guaha tres påtas-ñiha kada ma pulakis i chada'."

(so that they would have three feet each time the egg is hatched.")

"O," ilek-ña i maestro, "ya kao månnge' i tres patås-ña na månnok?" 

("Oh," the teacher said, "and is a three-legged chicken delicious?")

"Ti hu tungo', señot," ilek-ña i lanchero. "Mampos chaddek malågo ya ti siña hu gacha'."

("I don't know, sir," said the rancher. "It runs too fast and I can't catch it.")

TA ASODDA' GI GIMA'YU'US

Santa Ana (Saint Anne), mother of Mary and grandmother of Jesus

In the old days, most parents and grandparents were very strict with their adolescent children, especially the girls. Their every movement was monitored and who they kept company with was duly noted. Even at dances, older sisters or cousins or aunts went to chaperone the activities. This meant that young people in love found it a challenge to find time to chat with each other.

One opportunity was Sunday Mass. Since almost everyone was Catholic and went to Mass on Sundays, there was a good chance you could see your sweetheart there. One young man thought he could take advantage of Mass and spend a few moments chatting with his girlfriend. But even in church there are challenges to be met.


Era 1956 na såkkan ya sen umaguaiya si Francisco yan si Luisa.
(It was the year 1956 and Francisco and Luisa were so in love.)

Lao pot i mampos estrikto todo i mañainan-ñiha, ti siña i dos umali'e'
(But because all their parents and elders were so strict, the two couldn't see each other)

solo an umeskuela i dos ya para un råtoto ha'.
(except when they were both in school and only for a brief moment.)

Sinangåne si Luisa as Francisco un dia gi eskuela,
(Francisco told Luisa one day in school,)

"Gi Damenggo, ta asodda' gi Misa."
("On Sunday, we'll meet at Mass.")

"Lao mångge?" mamaisen si Luisa.
("But where?" Luisa asked.)

"Tohge gi fi'on i mañåntos gi pettan san me'na," ilek-ña si Francisco.
"Stand by the statues of the saints at the front door," Francisco said.

Ya magåhet na ayo na Damenggo eståba si Francisco
(And sure enough that Sunday Francisco)

na ha nanangga si Luisa gi fi'on i mañåntos gi pettan san me'na.
(was waiting for Luisa beside the saints at the front door.)

En fin måtto si Luisa lao ti magof matå-ña.
(At last Luisa came but her face wasn't happy.)

"Håfa, kerida, na ti mamagof posision-mo?" mamaisen si Francisco.
("Why, sweetheart, is your expression not happy?" Francisco asked.)

"Francisco. Atan hulo' ya un li'e' håye na såntos un ayek para un fi'une," ilek-ña si Luisa.
("Francisco. Look up and see which saint you chose to be next to," Luisa said.)

Tumalak hilo' si Francisco ya ha repåra na tumotohge gue' gi fi'on Santa Ana.
(Francisco looked up and saw that he was standing next to Saint Anne.)

"Ai lokkue'. Sa' kontodo gi halom guma'yu'us ha pupulan hit si Nanan Biha," ilek-ña si Francisco.
"Oh dear. Even in church grandmother is watching us," Francisco said.)

MILÅGRON I TAI TATA

Gof chachathinasso un nåna sa' pot kada oga'an mumuta' i hagå-ña achok ha' ti kalentutura pat sinago. Ha konne' i hagå-ña para i mediko ya ma eksamina i me'me'-ña i sotterita. Sinangåne i nana nu i mediko, "Ma potge' i hagå-mo." Ilek-ña i nana, "Ti siña, Señot. Todo i tiempo humahame na dos ya tåya' na ha dingu i gima' guiguiya ha' na maisa, tåya' nobio måfåtto gi gima', tåya' na kumuentos gue' gi telefon yan låhe." An monhåyan ha sångan este i nana, tumohge i mediko gi me'nan i bentåna ya sige de tumalak hiyong. "Håfa, Señot, un a'atan guihe huyong?" mamaisen i nana. Ilek-ña i mediko, "Hu nanangga i Tres Reyes."

MILÅGRON I ORINOLA

Mañugon i dos Etmåna para Inalåhan lao ti ma repåra na esta kumekehokkok i gasolina gi karetan-ñiha. Sen matai karetan-ñiha giya Yoña ya ma espia si Påle' Alvin para u ayuda siha. Ilek-ña si Påle', "Siña hamyo en fañopchop gasolina ginen i karetå-ho, lao tåya' båtde pat låta para u sinahguan i gasolina, solo guaha este na orinola." Pues magåhet na mañopchop gasolina i dos Etmåna pues ma chule' i orinola ni bula gasolina ya ma nå'ye gi kareta ni eståba gi kanton chålan. Guaha taotao maloloffan ya ha li'e' na ma nåna'ye gasolina ginen orinola ya ilek-ña i taotao ni dos Etmåna, "Magåhet, Sister, na todo klåsen milågro si Yu'us  siña ha cho'gue."

HÅYE NA'ÅN-ÑA SI YU'US

Hu hungok este ginen as Peter J. Santos, sa' ha na' tungo' yo' si Jeremy Cruz

Un puengen Damenggo ha faisen yo' si bihu-ho kao humånao yo' para Eskuelan Påle' guihe na oga'an, oga'an Damenggo.

(One Sunday night my grandfather asked me if I went to catechism that morning, Sunday morning.)

Ilek-ña, "Ilek-ho na ti humånao hao."

(He said, "I say you didn't go.")

Hu oppe gue' tåtte, "Hunggan, Pop, humånao yo' para i Eskuelan Påle' på'go na oga'an."

(I replied back to him, "Yes, Pop, I went to catechism this morning.)

Pues ha faisen yo', "Pues håye na'ån-ña si Yu'us?"

(Then he asked me, "So what is God's name?")

"Yu'us nai, Pop."

("God, Pop.")

"Åhe'. Yu'us gue' lao håye na'ån-ña?"

("No. He is God, but what's His name?")

Ilek-ho, "Jesukristo."

(I said, "Jesus Christ.")

Ilek-ña, "Åhe'. Lahi-ña ayo. Lao håye na'ån-ña si Yu'us?"

(He said, "No. That's His Son. But what's God's name?")

Ilek-ho, "Hekkua', Pop, ti hu tungo'."

(I said, "Beats me, Pop, I don't know.")

Ilek-ña, "Annok nai na ti humånao hao para Eskuelan Påle."

(He said, "It shows that you didn't go to catechism.")

"Sa' yanggen humånao hao ya un atituye si Påle', siempre un tungo' håye na'ån-ña si Yu'us."

("Because if you went and paid attention to Father, you would surely know what's God's name.")

Ilek-ho, "OK, Pop. Pues håye na'ån-ña si Yu'us?"

(I said, "OK, Pop. So what's God's name?")

"Howard."

("Howard.")

Ilek-ho, "Howard? Haftaimano na Howard na'ån-ña?"

(I said, "Howard? How is Howard His name?")

Ilek-ña, "Ekkungok ha' si Påle'. Kada manaitai, ilek-ña, "Our Father who art in heaven, Howard be thy name."

(He said, "Just listen to Father. Every time he prays, he says, "Our Father who art in heaven. Howard be thy name.")

Eskuelan Påle' is known as Doktrina (or Lottrina) in the Northern Marianas

CHAMORRO MESSAGING ACRONYMS

SYM	Si Yu’us Ma’åse’
TG	Tåya’ Guaha
NUR	Nangga Un Råto
SMJ	Sus Maria Jose
KMYC	Katna Måmåtai Yo’ Chumålek
THT	Ti Hu Tungo’
NTY	Na’ Tutungo’ Yo’
PF	Pot Fabot
LOL	Lame’ Ombre Lai
BHE	Bai Hånao Esta

*** SYM to Jose Arriola Espinosa for KMYC

20 SIGNS YOU'RE NOW A "LOCAL STATESIDER"

My stateside dad has been living on Guam continuously since 1959 and is definitely "local statesider."  It got me wondering what are the tell-tale signs that a statesider has become local.

1. Understands that the 35mph signs are just reminders how we used to drive in 1974.

2. Goes to the Talofofo fiesta, even though he or she's not Catholic.

3. Figures out immediately how two people are related.

4. Skips straight to the Assistant Manager, whom s/he knows, rather than speak to the Customer Service Representative.

5. Isn't bothered by geckos anymore; believes they're good because "they eat the bad bugs."

6. Prepares all morning to spend the day at the beach, and once there looks for the most shade.

7. Goes to Kentucky Fried Chicken for the kelaguen.

8. Finds him/herself secretly tuning into the Chamorro radio station while driving alone.

9. Still doesn't speak Chamorro, but adds "nai" at the end of English sentences.

10. When waiting at a red light, doesn't dare look over to the next driver.

11. Knows the name of his/her mayor.

12. Can never go to any store without saying "hi" to at least one person.

13. Knows that "Abe Maria Purisima" is the end of any rosary.

14. Drives down south, passes a carabao without even looking at it.

15. Is single with no family, but still has to visit someone at GMH.

16. Actually has reasons NOT to vote for some senatorial candidates.

17. Bush cuts in zori.

18. Looks for the soy sauce, tabasco or tooth pick in any restaurant of any cuisine.

19. Walks through Micronesia Mall and says to self, "So many statesiders now on Guam!"

20. Has a second fridge; outside the house.

NORTH KOREA VERSUS GUAM

Jose had a bit too much to drink at the family BBQ and decided to call up Kim Jong-un, the supreme leader of North Korea.

"Mr. Kim," he says, "we on Guam have decided we're not going to wait to see if your threats are real or not.  We've just declared war on you."

Kim asks Jose, "How many troops do you have?"

Jose looks around and says, "Well, there's me, and my cousin Ankie, and my neighbor si Big Ben, three dudes from GPA and the whole fire station crew from down the street.  That makes 11 of us."

Kim says, "Well, I gotta tell you.  I have 100,000 troops lined up for Guam alone."

Jose says, "Sus Maria!  I gotta get back to you then."

The next day Jose calls up Kim and says, "The war is still on.  We lucked out and got ourselves some armored vehicles."

"And what would that be?" asks Kim.

Jose says, "My brother's tractor, the village mayor's Ram pickup truck and a bulldozer we found at an abandoned construction site."

Kim says, "Well, I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers.  And I increased my troops to 150,000."

Jose says, "Ai lokkue'!  OK, I get back to you tomorrow." 

The next day, Jose calls and says, "The war's still on, we got ourselves a navy!"

"And what does this navy have?" asks Kim.

"Two fishing boats from the boat basin, five jet ski boats from my cousin's business and a tug boat they're no longer using at Commercial Port."

Kim says, "Well, I have 4 submarines, 3 destroyers and 30 landing craft.  Plus, I now have put aside 200,000 troops for the invasion of Guam."

"Dios nos libre!" says Jose, "I'll call again tomorrow."

The following day, Jose calls and says, "Mr. Kim, sorry but the war is off."

Kim says, "Sorry to hear that.  But why the sudden change of plans?"

Jose says, "Well, we had another BBQ and discussed this seriously over flank steak kelaguen and beer, and there's just no way we on Guam can house and feed 200,000 North Korean prisoners!"

YOU KNOW YOU'RE CHAMORRO WHEN....

GERMAN MEASLES BECOMES...

simplynetworking.es

...GERMAN MISSILES

brianz.org

Sometime ago I was speaking with an elderly man and he brought up the subject of how many members of his family, during his father’s time in the 1910’s, died of the sarampión.

I had never heard that word before, sarampión.

So I asked him, “Håfa sarampión?”  “What is sarampión?”

And he replied, “German missiles.”

Now, keep in mind he pronounced “missiles” like “missals.”  To rhyme with “whistles,” not “hair styles.”

So, I said, “Ta’lo fan?”  “Say it again, please?”

And he repeated, “German missiles.”

So I just kept wondering, “Why would the German ships come here and fire missiles and kill a whole bunch of people in the 1910s?  The Germans never fired a single shot here in the 1910s.”  But I dropped the subject.

A few days later I bumped into an older lady and asked her, “Håfa sarampión?”

And she said, “German measles.”

ENGLISH THE CHAMORRO WAY

Ana : Maria, håfa na atrasao hao mågi?

Maria : Ai adei Ana.  Malak Hågat yo' pot para bai famåhan pugua', pues gi biradå-ho tåtte, båba i traffic, pues malak i bangko yo'.....puro ha' miscellaneous.

CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN?

Ha estoriåye yo' este na palao'an na ginen kumuekuentos un biåhe gi telefon yan otro na palao'an ni dosse famagu'on-ña.

Bula buruka ha hungok gi telefon sa' manhugågåndo todo i famagu'on.

Ilek-ña i otro na palao'an, "Dispensa yo' un råto.  Hei!  Jose!  Sangåne eye siha na famagu'on i besino na u fan hånao tåtte gi gima'-ñiha!  Adda' tåya' familian-ñiha?"

Ilek-ña si Jose, "Iyo-ta ha', mom, todo este siha."

Ilek-ña i palao'an, "Pues tågo' i mañe'lu-mo siha ya u fan malak i besino sa' mampos burukento ya kumuekuentos yo' gi telefon!"

A woman told me the story of talking one time on the phone with another woman who had twelve children.

There was a lot of noise in the background because she heard a lot of kids playing.

The other woman said, "Excuse me a minute.  Hey!  Jose!  Tell those children of the neighbor to go back to their home.  Don't they have families?"

Jose said, "They're all ours, mom."

The woman said, "Then tell your brothers and sisters to go to the neighbors because they're too noisy and I'm talking on the phone!"

SECOND-HAND SHUTTERS

Måtto un taotao ni manbebende "typhoon shutters."

Ha sangåne i taotao guma', "Señot, bai hu ofrese hao kabåles yan man nuebo na 'shutter' pot para an påkyo.  Dies mit pesos ha'."

Ilek-ña i taotao guma', "Ai.  Demasiao guaguan sa' man nuebo.  Kao tåya' iyo-mo 'shutters' ni esta man ginen ginipu ni pakyo?"

A man selling typhoons shutters came by.

He told the man of the house, "Sir, I will offer you complete and brand new typhoon shutters.  Just ten thousand dollars."

The man said, "Wow.  They're too expensive as they're brand new.  Don't you have any shutters which have already been blown off by a typhoon?"

YOU KNOW YOU'RE ON GUAM WHEN...

I desperately needed to meet with the bride and groom.  Their wedding was the very next day, and, due to travels, I wasn't able to meet them earlier.

I called the bride's cell phone late that night.  "Where are you?"

She : "At the hotel banquet hall, arranging the tables and chairs for the reception."

Me : "Where's the groom?"

She : "In Umatac killing the pig."

How many stateside brides can say that?

TYPHOON SHUTTERS???

I hope the politicians who own these campaign signs know what to do if, God forbid, we ever get into Typhoon Condition 2.  Take them down and hide them!

Because on Guam, these signs often become people's typhoon shutters!

People, remember the commandment of the Lord :  Thou shalt not steal!  Cha'-mo fañåñåkke!

LETANIAS

If Hogwarts were on Guam

The ever-clever Lawrence Borja created this meme.

Talk about melding the past and the present.

Well, that's what you get with a 20-something who can say the Litany in Chamorro.

LÅTAN SATDINAS

Two men got up at 4AM to go out in their boat to catch atulai (mackerel).  After fishing for a few hours, they stand by the side of the road selling their atulai.  They made $40 and went to the mom and pop store and bought - cans of sardines.

Makmåta dos na taotao gi a las kuåttro gi chatanmak para u hånao gi boten-ñiha ya u fangonne' atulai.  Despues de pumeska unos kuåntos oras, tumohge i dos gi kanton chålan, ma bebende i kinenne'-ñiha atulai.  Mama'tinas i dos kuarenta pesos pues malak i tenda para u famåhan - låtan satdinas.